Current location:	home
Current mood:	awake
Current music:	natalia zuckerman
Entry tags:	being a bum, break, school

back in WI and a week of bumdom
yes, i am back in WI, after 3 weeks in PA. 3 overwhelming, long, emotional weeks. *sigh*

ok, no it was not all that bad. i saw friends, had a date with a really cool girl who i will probably never see again, but that is ok, as it was a nice night in philly with good music and even better conversation. and most importantly, i did have some really good, postive bonding time with my mom, and most importantly, i saw her come back to life. she smiled, laughed, talked non-stop and in between the the sadness that has been lining her face for over the past year, i saw glimmers of the happy-go-lucky woman that she has always been. this was good. this was very very good.

of course, now the worry is, how will she be now that i am back to being 900 miles away. this is a constant source of worry and guilt for me. she is asking with more frequency and with more expectation in her voice of when i am going to "be done with school" (oy! as if i will ever "be done") and come back.

i still maintain that she should move here. but this is me being selfish and wanting it all to just fall into neat little pieces that fit me and what i want. of course, i also know first hand, life rarely, if ever, is that neat and clean. puzzle pieces falling together into each.

well...maybe sometimes it does.

i hope.

i still do. for all of it.

so, now break is over. school starts this week and i am sitting here again asking the same questions about if this is the right path for me. this program, these classes, these goals...what the hell are my goals.

for now this seems to be working. maybe i need to sit back and see of these are those mysterious puzzle pieces that can and just might slide into place. i have watched them do so for friends...at least from the outside it seems like that is how it goes...i am not sure. maybe on the inside we are all just guessing, never really sure.

i have a week of sitting on my ass to contemplate all of this...well, that and sitting on my ass watching CNN (i have been out of touch with the world, there's been a lot going on i needed to catch up!), and being a complete internet junkie. of course, i was consumed with guilt over my week of bumdom, but really, i know i needed it. serious decompression time before jumping into the stress and mania that is school.