little pieces everywhere

Fascist America, in 10 easy steps

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 22:20:53 GMT

Fascist America, in 10 easy steps!

wow, only 10 steps needed to go from democratic, free, open society to a closed, fascist potential dictorship! who knew!?! i know its easier to just poo-poo this for being a wee bit extreme, but frankly, i would not put anything pass the people who are running this country today...

speaking of which today bush comparing dems to people who ignored the rise of Lenin and Hitler early in the last century, saying "the world paid a terrible price" then and risks similar consequences for inaction today....hmmmmm...

the b-mother saga continues....

Sun, 21 Oct 2007 03:53:24 GMT

as if getting an email out of the blue that says "hi, my name is lynnei think i might be your birth mother..." is not bizarre enough, my life continues to get even stranger!

the news i got yesterday, you can call it serendipity, call it fate, call it karma, call it life's strange little ironies, call it god...whatever, its just weird, wonderful, and an example of just how damn small this whole world really is.

so, i got more info on the birth fam and my roots...interesting news that in some strange way interconnects to my present life...

you see, i always new that my birth family was from new york, i never actually new where, but i felt a....connection if you will, to some where in or around NYC...i know it sounds ridiculous, but my whole life i felt this...even last march, when i went there with D's (artzyelf) to meet her uncle who lives there and her parents, i felt so..."at home"...i mentioned this in my last email to lynne, as silly as it is.

she told me that indeed she did spend a lot of time in the city, but she and my b-father both grew up on long island, in a town called west islip. so, wow, i was not that far off base in my gut feelings....but, here is where it gets really weird!

D's mom and uncle grew up in west islip too!! her uncle and my b-father are the same age!!! could they know each other!?!

D's called her uncle immediately and told him the whole dramatic story, finally getting to...."and they grew up in WEST ISLIP!" to which steve said, "no shit!" and her b-father is YOUR age and her b-mother is just a year younger!!!" "no shit, what are their names!?!" dani told him lynne's name...."that sounds familar..." then my b-father's name...."HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!" was his response.

turns out my b-father and my now gf's uncle were VERY good friends 30+ years ago as teens growing up in west islip, new york...my b-father's house was the place to hang out...the hours that steve spent there, he has no idea, it was just the place to be, that was his crew! jumping up and down like a little kid, he exclaimed, "OH MY GOD! i remember when they got pregnant! i remember when she went away for a while...HOLY SHIT!" and now....here i am back in his life, 30 years later, i walk into his apartment, dating his niece!

WTF!?! this is such a small world!

i met D somewhat randomly, kinda online, kinda via mutual friends...she grew up in VT, not NY, her family moved when she was 9 from central islip...we met while she was in chicago and i was here in madison after i grew up in PA and moved here 7 years ago, and my b-mother is now out of the city, further north...steve is in the city, D's parents are now in VA....some how, we were all connected in some weird way 30 years ago and had no idea until a week ago when this woman out of the clear blue told me she was my birth mother!

damn! i feel like the planets have aligned or something! (including that this week, my mom found a new job after getting laid off a few weeks ago AND she's falling in love and is rediscovering life again after the heart ache of losing my dad) hmmmm....maybe i should buy a lottery ticket!

D's uncle pointed out that the miracle of all of this is NOT that we are so closely interconnected, he firmly believes this kind of thing happens all the time, but that we never notice them...the miracle is that we KNOW that we got to find out about this, that it was revealed to us and because that is so rare, it seems so crazy and unbelievable.

perhaps. i do not know, all i do know is that i am so grateful that i am finding this all out!

its bizarre, this story, it does not seem real...like a tv movie or an episode from oprah...i keep waiting (along with so many other people) for the next episode!

and i have to say, the out pouring of love, wonderment, support, excitement, and tears of joy and happiness....wow! i am so touched. you have no idea...

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 05:00:08 GMT

i spent the past 2 days trying to wrap my brain around the events that have transpired over the weekend. i replied late saturday night to the woman who apparently gave birth to me and then waited for a reply, wondering all along "is this real!?!" i obsessed over did i say the "right" things!?! i mean, what do you say to a woman who you do not know, who probably carried you for 9 months, scared out of her mind the whole time, and gave birth to you 31 years ago, and you haven't had contact with since you were about 3 days old!?! i have thought about what i would say to her for many years. i think i managed to get it all down in a fairly articulate manner

"wow! where to begin. i have wondered for a very long time how i would feel when (and if) this moment would arise. shocked, for sure. but also very excited. and nervous. a little freaked out, with a million thoughts racing across my brain, a million questions, and maybe a few fears and hesitations too. of course, i am sure i am not telling you anything you do not already completely understand in a very visceral way.

i think you might be right. i think i very well might be that baby girl you so selfLESSly gave up 31 years ago, and you very well might be the person who i have wondered about when i wondered "who do I look like?" and "where did i come from?"

with all of these thoughts and emotions racing around in my mind it is oh so difficult to figure out which one to start with, which ones to share right now.

with that let me just start with thank you. thank you for reaching out to me, a stranger in many ways, who could react in many ways to this information. you took a huge step that opened yourself up to potentially painful memories and potential new heartache. regardless if you are or are not indeed my biological mother (and i feel pretty confident that you are that very person based in what you have shared with me), i feel that a very long overdue thank you is in order for the sacrifice you made all those years ago.

i can not imagine what it was like to go through the experience of bringing a child into this world and then having to decide to give that child up in hopes of them having a better future than the one you at that time could provide. my heart aches at the thought of the pain and anxiety you felt.

i have always wanted to have the chance say this to my birth mother. to say, i have never been angry at her decision. never felt unloved, or unwanted. to say, thank you for being so selfless and to love me so much to face the pain of giving me up to someone who was in a position to take care of me.

i consider myself very very blessed. i had a wonderful childhood, the two most loving parents a child could ask for, who were sure to instill in me the notion that i was never given up but chosen, that i was special. i had two moms and two dads. a mom and dad who brought me into this world and my mom and dad who raised me. i remember learning about being adopted when i was 3. perhaps my mom told me before this, but at this point my parents were going to adopt a second child, my brother. my mom explained this all in terms that i think my 3 year old mind could wrap itself around, and she was always honest with me when i had questions. she told me all she could when i asked, but never pushed me either.

as i got older, i became more curious about my background, who i looked like, where i came from. of course i romanticized this story and had many different variations of my coming into this world. and as i matured, i became more thoughtful and serious about these missing pieces of my life, especially as my older cousins started having their own children and the discussion of who he or she looked like, and if there were family medical histories i should be aware of. every june 29th i would especially wonder where these people i am connected with in a deep and intimate way are today, if they are thinking about me and what are they doing with their lives. i have always thought it would be incredible to have the chance to meet my birth parents, especially my mother, with whom i shared 9 months in the most intimate bond, and am connected with even without having ever met. of course, i had fears and anxiety over this too (as i know you understand). what if she rejects me for
this or that reason. what if i disrupt her life, ripping open traumatic wounds and inflicting new pain into her life, and on and on. i never wanted to disrupt a life that has moved on from such difficult times. but on the other hand, i also thought that it could be such an enriching and positive experience too, and a chance to fill in all of those missing pieces for both of us.

i have so many questions. about my mother, my father, if there i have any siblings. i always wondered who was the first person who held me. why was i born in lancaster and not new york, and if i have blood relatives in lancaster too. so often i would be told that i looked just like someone else and i would wonder "are we related?" funny thing, that happens all the time out here in WI and i was pretty sure i was not related to anyone here. and then not too long ago, my partner decided that the resemblance between me and the actress scarlette johannson was amazingly close (which of course i was deeply flattered by) and that if she is from new york, then maybe....i must admit, some of the romatnizing of my origins did not stop with becoming an adult, sometimes i just can't help myself! not that i have ever felt that i did not want to be a part of my family. i would never have traded my life for another, it has been good to me in many ways.

its just that i had very little information from my adoption, my mom shared as much as she was given by the case worker, which was pretty scant. i knew there was a connection to new york, which grew into a bit of an obsession for me, i loved NYC and when ever i was there i would wonder who i might be related to and where they were. i had it my head that my birth parents were from the city, and i always felt a deep connect there. i knew the name on my birth certificate was leslie karen. to be honest, i did not know where the name came from, if it was from my birth parents, or from the foster family who i lived with until i was placed with my parents, but i knew that was the name i had until i was 5 months old.

life is oh so very funny with its strange little ironies. my parents brought me home in late november of 1976, and gave me my name, lori lynn. seeing your name, it gives me chills. my parents would have had no idea. they picked my name out years before i was born, years before they knew they could not have children of their own and yet it seems like that it was meant to be, for me to have this name, a strange connection to you in a way.

a little about me.

i grew up and lived in lancaster with wonderful parents and a younger brother. sadly my father passed away last summer after a year long battle with pancreatic cancer. its been hard to be back here in madison, while i love it here, and have been building a wonderful life here, i miss my mom and wish i could be back east to be there for her too. i moved to madison when i was 23 and have been here on and off for the past 7 years. i have a BS in wildllife ecology and work for the state of wisconsin and also for a small environmental consulting firm. i would like to get a masters, but need a break from school and so, i am just working and enjoying life as best as i can right now.

i could go on and on but i feel that this could get overwhelming as it. so i will try to control my impulses to try to share a lifetime of information in one email. i have so many questions, which should i ask first!?! i have so much to tell, again where to start!?! you have already given me more than i thought i would ever have. who named me, who held me when i was born, who i might look like!! its just incredible and surreal!! after crying and laughing and generally just freaking out with my partner and friends, who were with me when i first read this email, i was not sure if i should call or write. i wanted to reach out to you, but was unsure of how i should do so. my gut instinct is that email might be a good way to transition after the shock of this news. also, i am writing this to you with out yet telling my mom about this incredible event. i love the idea of getting to know you, and am very excited by that prospect. i know my mom will be supportive and happy f
or her daughter and best friend to have the chance to fill in those gaps that exist in her life. but, to be honest i am not sure just yet how to tell her. this is not bad news, it is wonderful and exciting, but it is very shocking and i would really like to tell her in person, but with my being in here in WI and she is in PA that is a little difficult. i thought that it would be good to have some exchange with you first, and this (emailing that is) seems like a good way to start this incredible conversation that i have been waiting my whole life to have.

with that said, i think i will simply end with, it is very nice to meet you. you sound like a wonderful, caring, warm and compassionate woman, and i would feel very honored to think that you are the person that brought me into this world.

i look forward to hearing from you, and exploring where this conversation will take us. i do have one question. i have always just wanted a picture of who i look like. i always wanted to see whose eyes do i have, whose smile do i have. if i could see such a picture, i would be so very grateful. yes, i did google search you to see if the internet could provide me such things, but came up empty handed.

thank you again for contacting me. i am so grateful, words do not convey this properly. i am still in shock that this has happened, so out of the blue. and yet here it is."

so, i waited, and tried not to start getting nervous, but after two days it was difficult not to do so. the thing that was most nerve-racking was not yet telling my mom and worrying about her reaction. i felt compelled to wait until my b-mother wrote back to me again, i am not sure why, but i felt like i needed to make sure about this, before i called my mom and told her what had happened. i was nervous about her

tonight i got a reply back, subject line "my dream has come true". it was a wonderfully sweet email, full of love and appreciation. i was touched. it turns out that she is 48, with a birthday only two weeks after my birthday. i am not sure, but based on the info she's given me thus far, she signed the final adoption papers, and held me for the last time, right around her 17th birthday!! i can't imagine how scared, sad, and alone this young girl felt giving up her baby and having to face returning to school and trying to put her life back together. i also found out that she has fibromyalgia, hence the long response time on her reply to me, when she gets really emotional it tends to flare up a bit. she was worried that i was thinking she was not going to reply. the fibromyalgia info is very interesting and part of one of my major reasons for wanting to find my birth parents in the first place!! not that i am excited to find out that my biological mother is suffering from a painful, chronic, difficult-to-treat illness, but that i can finally get the answers to all of those damn medical questions on forms at the doctors that i can never answer!! "Family history of _________?" "No idea! I'm adopted." maybe not anymore! she is so excited to tell me all about the part of my story that is missing, and made it clear to me that i can ask her anything i want and she will do everything she can to provide me with the information i desire. i deeply appreciate her openness, while i know she is excited to have found me, i can't help but think that at the same time this all brings up some painful memories too. i was very happy to have been able to reassure her that she did the right thing, and she thanked me for validating her decision so long ago when she was so very young and unsure.

so, i called my mom and while she did get a wee bit teary eyed, i think she is ok with all of this. i read all the emails to her and assured her she is my mom, my only "Mom" and that she was as much a part of this new little adventure as i was. that i wanted to share every exchange with her and show her any pictures i might get, and if i ever do meet this person, that i wanted her to be there too, if she wanted to be, because she is part of this amazing story of my life. i think she is excited by the prospect of learning about these things with me. i hope she finds it to be something new and positive in her life, she has had to endure so much pain over the past few years.

so, i am feeling very good about this, excited, no longer all that nervous (maybe about talking with her or meeting her maybe someday). my life has been full of so many losses and difficult changes, it is nice to have unexpected news that does not result in more struggle. for now i am just looking forward to learning more about these missing puzzle pieces of my life and exploring a potentially new kind of relationship in my life.

Sun, 14 Oct 2007 05:33:23 GMT

today i opened my email to find the following message:

"My name is Lynne. I found your name on this website. I believe I am your birth mother."

as i read further i realized that this was not a mistake. she knew enough of the details of my birth and subsequent adoption to not be mistaken, or at least i can say, it is a reasonable assumption to think that this is legit. i had registered a few years ago on a online adoption registry, never thinking anything of substance would materialize from it. needle in a haystack kind of odds, but what the hell, right?

i have always wanted to meet her, though never really went out of my way...life always had too many distractions and it so happened that PA had some of the strictest laws on the books for sealing adoptions records in the country around the time i was born, pretty much with out a court order, i was not going to be getting any additional info from my files that the case worker didn't share with my mom 31 years ago this coming november. so, i kinda just left it go, posted on a few registers and moved on with life. mostly what i really craved was to know who i looked like. as i got older, family medical history became more important. but i never expected to find out.

i started thinking about it a bit more after my dad died. i do no think it was a case of losing one parent looking to gain a new one, he can never be replaced and while i have a special bond with my birth parents, neither of them would ever really be my mom or dad. but i think going through that process of losing a parent made me just wonder about these parts of me that were missing. and wonder if my brith parents were ok.

i am not sure where this email will take me, if it is really my birth mother, i am very hopeful about how this new aspect of my life will unfold. she seems very kind and compassionate from her email. after i calmed myself down, i wrote her...it was one of the strangest things i have done in my life. surreal.

i have not told my mom yet. she is in PA, i am here. i know she will be supportive, but i would like to tell her in person, reassure her that she is my mom, etc.

wow. i am still in shock. i mean what is the correct response to "i believe i am your birth mother"!?!

busy busy busy

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 18:44:14 GMT

*phew*

i had thought for some reason that life would be slower and a wee bit calmer once school was done, but at least for the past month or so, its still been on full throttle. (hence the lack of paying attention to things like LJ and missing out on things such as cheechako trying to buy a house!)

in brief, my very very sweet dear mother came out for a visit. chilimuffin very kindly open her home up to us and made my mom's visit all the more comfortable with her hospitality. the visit was good, long and well, i now need about a week to recover but mom had a VERY fun time, which was the point. i think perhaps she has finally some understanding as to why i seem not to want to leave here....ever....why i seem not so open to moving back east...we cramed A LOT into her one week here...hiking at devil's lake, a trip down the rabbit hole that is the house on the rock, a cruise down the WI river in the dells (highly worth the 26 bucks i might add!), tours of campus, the very cool cave of the mounds and where i use to work tracking deer....it was nice to finally share these aspects of my life with her and good for both of us. she in turn got share all about the kinda "boyfriend" in her life...i am still processing this...its good for her, but i see potentially years of therapy for me as i am the only person in the world she can talk to about this. oy!
pleasantly with a very wonderful bday party in hoyt park, one of madison's little hidden gems, for my bday...it was a very good time and nice for mom to meet my closest freinds! so thank you very much to artzyelf, chilimuffin, cheechako, dunaengus, and saazsea for making it such a great time!

in other news, i am working half-time at the WI Dept of Natural Resouces as the Whooping Crane Database Manager (or Coordinator, i =am not sure what my official title is yet!) as part of WI's particpation in a eastern migratory population whooping crane reintroduction. i also just accepted a position with a small non-profit called agflex, which works with farmers to help them achieve BMPs (best management practices) for tillage (for soil conservation) and pesticide use. its mostly an admin job, but i am excited by what they are trying to achieve and i think i wil learn alot on the sidelines.

so, all in all...busy, busy, busy! i am still recovering from mom's visit...and so, not feeling to bad about playing hookie from work today...

testing the waters of the "real world" again

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 15:30:38 GMT

monday i start a part-time gig with the WI DOT. its a GIS position, indeed, a job utilizing the supposed skills and knowledge that i was to aquire this past year...needless to say i am nervous. i feel significantly less than prepared for this kind of work, which is both furstrating and disheartinging given the +10K i just dropped this past year on learning about this stuff...stuff that i am not even sure i WANT to learn about. i know that i should be encouraged by the fact that the DOT GIS person thought i might even have the skills and abiltities they seek...but i am not sure given the extent of "interviewing" consisited of 1) have you ever digitized a map 2) do you know what the public land survey system is...uh "yeah"...that's an affirmattive on both...so for 15 bucks an hour i am either doing some really basic work or they are assuming much bigger and better things from me then what i really have.

we shall see...*gulp*

the job is pretty short termed...only a month or so...which means i need to find something else...happily i do have TWO interviews this friday at the dept of natural resources!!! these will be real interviews...a panel and all...*shudder*...this is not my first time, so at least i know what to expect. the one position is part time, conservation biologist, working with whooping cranes, which would be pretty cool and nice to use my BS again! the other is another GIS position...though one i actually feel fairly confident about (at the moment at least, we'll see how i feel after i try my hand at the DOT job)...the DNR GIS job (hmmmmm...how many acronyms can i fit into this post?) is working with FEMA (oh joy) on floodplain mapping in the state...so at least conceptually i get where this project is going and what the position entails....its a start.

what can i say?

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 00:30:27 GMT

Which of the four crownprinces of Hell are you?
Lucifer Lucifer, the morning star, brings enlightenment from the East, with the rising Sun.He is a creature of unspoiled wisdom, and of genuine emotions, such as pure romance and true love. Art and literature, music and poetry are all his area. He possesses both unmatched scholary wisdom, as well as creativity and imagination. Lucifer brings greater awareness, to open our souls and minds so we can question, dream, think, wonder... and evolve. With that he represents the spiritual ascent, and life.
Take The Quiz Now!	Quizzes by myYearbook.com

Tired of feeling like your voice isnt being heard? STEP IT UP!

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 19:08:19 GMT

this saturday has been proclaimed National Day of Climate Action. and a very grassroots movement called Step It Up 2007 is looking to turn this day in to the largest protest specifically against policies that are week on climate change EVER!

i just learned about this a few weeks ago when the amazing environmental writer bill mckibben spoke here in madison. this move started in vermont with bill and other vermonters getting tired and angry about not being able to "do anything"...so they walked from someplace in central vt to the capital and along the way started getting ideas that there needs to be a way to start mobilizing citizens to address climate change.

thus was born Step It Up 2007....basically via the web/emails and small gatherings of many concerned citizens, ever single state will have at least one demonstration concerning climate change and the desire to take real actions to address this very scary problem.

from people wearing blue shirts en masse in NYC to show where sea levels will rise thus flooding much of this beloved city to marches on various state capitols (including here in madison) to showings of an inconvenient truth...communities across the nation are taking action to show our officials and the world that there are americans who recongnize both the severity of the problem and that the time to act is now.

check it out, take a few hours and go be part of this historic event in american environmentalism...which apparently is not a movement of the past (despite the actions of this current administration)

book nerd, big surprise!

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 20:46:21 GMT

What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Literature Nerd Does sitting by a nice cozy fire, with a cup of hot tea/chocolate, and a book you can read for hours even when your eyes grow red and dry and you look sort of scary sitting there with your insomniac appearance? Then you fit this category perfectly! You love the power of the written word and it's eloquence; and you may like to read/write poetry or novels. You contribute to the smart people of today's society, however you can probably be overly-critical of works. It's okay. I understand.
Social Nerd
Artistic Nerd
Drama Nerd
Gamer/Computer Nerd
Science/Math Nerd
Musician
Anime Nerd
What Be Your Nerd Type? Quizzes for MySpace

happy pi day!

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 05:02:15 GMT

yay 3.14.....!!!!

fun with drawings

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 03:45:26 GMT

What does your drawing say about YOU?

The results of your analysis say:

You tend to pursue many different activities simultaneously. When misfortune does happen, it doesn't actually dishearten you all that much.
You are a thoughtful and cautious person. You like to think about your method, seeking to pursue your goal in the most effective way.
You like following the rules and being objective. You are precise and meticulous, and like to evaluate decisions before making them.
You have a sunny, cheerful disposition.

what happens when i am bored...

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 17:52:49 GMT

The Everything Test

There are many different types of tests on the internet today. Personality tests, purity tests, stereotype tests, political tests. But now, there is one test to rule them all.

Traditionally, online tests would ask certain questions about your musical tastes or clothing for a stereotype, your experiences for a purity test, or deep questions for a personality test.We're turning that upside down - all the questions affect all the results, and we've got some innovative results too! Enjoy :-)

Personality

You are more logical than emotional, more concerned about others than concerned about self, more atheist than religious, more dependent than loner, more lazy than workaholic, more traditional than rebel, more engineering mind than artistic mind, more cynical than idealist, more follower than leader, and more introverted than extroverted.

As for specific personality traits, you are romantic (86%), intellectual (67%), adventurous (65%), horny (64%).

Stereotypes
Old Geezer	83%
Young Professional	82%
Hippie	70%

Life Experience
Sex	63%
Substances	24%
Travel	21%

Politics
Your political views would best be described as Liberal, whom you agree with around 73% of the time.

Socioeconomic
Your attitude toward life best associates you with Middle Class. You make more than 0% of those who have taken this test, and 78% more than the U.S. average.

If your life was a movie, it would be rated R.
By the way, your hottness rank is 60%, hotter than 85% of other test takers.

TAKE THE TEST
brought to you by thatsurveysite

late night bitching and a kidney replacement for my roomie....

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 09:04:16 GMT

damn what a night!

so first of all, my roommate is at the hosptial now, as i type at...3 am...yeah, i know, what the hell am i doing up!?! she's getting rid of her two crappy cyst filled kidney's and getting a nice healhty "new" one...her fortunte and kidney being the result of the misfortunte of some parents making the decision of ending life support for a child (a young adult i assume as a too young of a kindey would not work)...or at least this is what they know of the donor...an amazing, tragic and yet hope-filled process.

here's hoping that for my dear friend, that all goes well...the long surgery commences at 7 am and thus will start the long process of healing from the removal of two very bad kidneys and the insertion of one good one...along with lots of drugs, immuno-supressors and all what not...oy!

in other news...i am freaking about school...i am actually freaking so bad that i really think i do not want to be in school AT ALL...like the idea of going tomorrow makes me ill...

i am HATING this semester.

none of my classes are what i expected...ok, no,..stats is what i expected and i hate it...but i expect that.

i have a group project that i got to be the "leader" of...its tied to my intership, i have a group member who is not happy with where we are, what we are doing....in part, i did drop the ball...we are behind on data aquisition, i had thought i'd have that in place before the eemester started...but..well...when your family is still reeling from death and tragedy and your mom is so depressed that you are starting to worry that she is not going to be able to function...its hard to do things like gather data...i know..its still an excuse...but...

so, i got this wonderful passive agressive email from her...it was to the whole group but it was really to me...a very "i am going to take my toys and go play by myelf" passive-agressive rant about how she feels like she is the only one concerend about these things and no one else cares...so if that is how we are going to be, she's gonna just do it all herself and such...*sigh*

my other GIS class is a mess too...i have to write a tutorial for an entry level GIS person on a simple GIS application with parcel data...while none of this may mean anything to you all, suffice it to say that first of all...I AM AN ENTRY LEVEL GIS PERSON!!! if that and if i could write a tutoral for such things, why would i be in school and not, well, writing tutorials and making lots of money!?!

the expectations of both of my classes and the lack of direction is infuriating...i am paing over 10K for this program and as a consumer of a product i am not happy.

which leads me back to the question i posed to myself last semester...if i am not happy, why the hell am i doing this!?!

*BIG SIGH*

ok...on that note, i am going to go sleep for a while...

me a hippy? are we surprised?

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 07:33:48 GMT

You scored as The Granola Dyke. Your love for the environment and passion for your beliefs can be a bit overwhelming at times, but your friends and family know you mean well.

</td>

The Granola Dyke

95%

The Sprightly Elfin Femme

75%

The Student Dyke

75%

The Surprise! Dyke

65%

The Vaginal-Reference-Making Dyke

65%

The Bohemian Dyke

55%

The Femme Fatale

55%

The Stud

50%

The Little-Boy Dyke

50%

The Quasi-Gothic Femme

40%

The Pretty-Boi Dyke

35%

The Hipster Dyke

35%

The Magic Earring Ken Dyke

30%

What Type of Lesbian Are You? (Inspired by Curve Mag.)
created with QuizFarm.com

beware of the matrix...

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 03:01:10 GMT

You scored as Neo, the "One". Neo is the computer hacker-turned-Messiah of the Matrix. He leads a small group of human rebels against the technology that controls them. Neo doubts his ability to lead but doesn't want to disappoint his friends. His goal is for a world where all men know the Truth and are free from the bonds of the Matrix.

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Neo, the "One"

88%

Captain Jack Sparrow

83%

James Bond, Agent 007

83%

El Zorro

79%

William Wallace

71%

Lara Croft

67%

Indiana Jones

67%

Batman, the Dark Knight

67%

Maximus

63%

The Terminator

58%

The Amazing Spider-Man

54%

Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

thank god for voting poll volunteers, even when they're super crabby

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 01:45:07 GMT

so, i was a good citizen today and voted! yay! i managed to vote in a local primary in febuary, though i probably would have missed out if my roommates didn't wake my sorry ass up from my nap...thanks guys! oh! and thanks for the quick run-down on who is who amongst my choices...its good to vote, preferably as an informed voter!!

anyways, i have to take a moment to give props to those dear mostly senior citizens who are out there at the polls marking their lists of registered voters and checking them twice (literally), the shortage of volunteers have these dear, albiet crabby, little old ladies out from 6 am til 8 pm, and with them kinda of hours, i'd be crabby too!! which is why it was understandable when the comedy of errors unfolded with the two little old ladies who had to take our names...they were all flustered from a very rushed, on-duty madison police officer whose name could not be found (even though she voted at this poll before)...well, then they started to register me and my roommate...but they're suppose to do one at a time because they each have a list to cross off your name...so, lady #1 takes my roommmate's name, then for some reason lady #2 wants my name, before they're done with my roommate...we are both at the same address...so then they get mad at each other when they go to cross of each of our names off and they're talking about different people but don't realize it...i thought these two women were going to come to blows when lady #2 snaps at lady #1 "i SAID i can FIND it! i CAN READ!" *gulp* oh dear!! at this point i had to look away because i was about ready to start laughing at the absurdity of it all. poor old gals!! they need to go home!!

clearly, we need more volunteers!

ADD is not helpful on valentine's day!

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 07:13:35 GMT

so, i have a girlfriend now and that is exciting and wonderful and really happy (yes, i am totally honeymooning and its gross to hear about and i don't really care...whatever), and we have a date tonight because its valentines day! a phone date because well...she's in chicago and i am here in madison...so, yeah...phone...and well...so, of course we talk EVERY freakin night because we're honeymooning and you do silly, crazy things iike that...so, v-day is really just an excuse to...well, do more of the same...ANYWAYS, here i am home, already talked to my mom and getting ready to call said girlfriend for our hot "date" when a massive attack of total ADDness kicks in...i had some stuff to do, to take care of, like...the laundry and what not...i was, for once, AHEAD of the game, and getting on that...got a load in, including my hoodie i had been wearing...the hoodie i was wearing when i last had my phone...which five minutes after fillng up the wash maching with my clothes and starting it, that i realized i was missing...frantic searching yielded no postive results...is it here? no...is it there? no...i just FUCKING had it FIVE minutes ago! hmmmm...*sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach*...5 minutes ago i put most of my clothing in piles, including what i was wearing when i had my phone, and now most of those items are submerged in soapy water...FUCK!!!!!!

i run to the bathroom and open up the washer, reach into warm bubbles and water and fish for my hoodie...my roommates half laughing at me because there is just NO WAY i actually washed my phone...no way...but see dear readers, the truth is, i very well could have...as...well, this would not be the first time *bows head in shame*...yes, its true, my last phone in fact passed on to that cell phone junkyard in the sky (hopefullly after being fully recycled but it was a wee bit rusty so i am not sure on that one). cause of death? drowning...in a wash machine.

so, back to my current load of freshly soaked, swimming articles of clothes...elbow deep in suds i pull out my hoodie and there, in a soaked pocket is my poor cell phone...water-logged and sooooo not working! *sigh and shaking head* oh dear! NOT AGAIN!! and i have a date!! like NOW...and all of my numbers...i don't know ANY OF THEM! and of course, if i am the kind of person who can wash her cell phone, not once but TWICE, you all know i am the kind of person who never has a back up storage of her phone numbers! right...been meaning to get on that...

so, what is the fate of my phone? the prognosis is unsure...my dear roommate took it apart and of course happened to have proplyne glycol or some other alchohol-based substance in her possession (just remember, i drink out pyrex beakers in my house! oh, to live with lab geeks!). my phone MAY have been saved, but i am not risking it...tomorrow i will hopefully be able to get all of my numbers (you all will be getting an email from me for your numbers if i can't), and going to cingular to get a new phone...i am due for an upgrade, and in the end, as my dear girlfriend pointed out, i've done nothing but complain about my piece o'crap phone anyways...so, time for a new one...washing it just did me a favor and now i can't procrastinate! right!?!

*sigh*

after all that, i still managed to have my date and it was lovely!

oh!

and, i am starting strattera tomorrow because clearly i need to be back on ADD meds!

sick...again

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 01:06:17 GMT

ok, so for like the THIRD time this cold season i am sick. i am not too terribly surprised, uh, i know after the past year of constant stress and lack o'sleep, my immune system is shot, but still, this is getting old! ugh! especially since my most recent illness is timed with the beginning of what promises to be a really busy, intense semester. *sigh* i am trying to be good...staying in, sleeping, drinking lots of fluids, taken meds, oh! and not to sound like a commercial but i found a new weapon in my arsenal against mucus/congestion...these shower tabs that you put on the floor of shower and run hot water on it...they dissolve into happy menthol eucalytus vapor wonderfulness...which means, i can breath for like 10 whole minutes through my nose!!! wow! *sigh* yeah, i am at that point where its the really simply things that make me really happy! so, friday night and i am parking my ass in my roommates comfy heated easyboy recliner and watching really bad tv (nanny 911 and wife swap! quality!!)

a new year, a new semester, a new...

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 22:43:49 GMT

so, the spring semester is officially in full swing. labs are meeting this week and i am ALREADY overwhelmed by the copious amounts of work already on the docket. so much for a less stressful return to school. *sigh*

this semester consists of three classes:
GEOG 360 quantitative methods in geographical analysis
GEOG 578 GIS applications
URPL 969 applied GIS workshop: land use inventory and analysis

the first one can really just be refered to as....stats...ugh! i HATE stats...can i emphasize that again...HATE! but, the good news (yes i can say there is good news even in reference towards evil stats...me the constant positive thinker that i am) is that THIS time the professor is not crazy...this is a good place to start! AND even better, she is organized and "on-top-of-things"...which is exactly how i like my stats professors to be...not all flighty and forgetting things like course schedules and what not...which was last semester and why i dropped it last semester. so, stats, take 2, is seeming to be better, i might actually learn something this time! whoa!

GEOG 578 has potential for being cool and also potential for sucking majorly. its not been good thus far due to the lack of a professor (his father died, he's in china and will be back next week, poor guy) and a very sweet chinese TA who does not speak english well...its been a rocky start. HOWEVER, this is a class based on group projects geared towards solving problems in the "real world" via GIS...in other words, hand's on applications of this stuff...the super cool thing is that the prof pretty much said last sememster he wanted my internship...the CWD/soils comparision thing (that will hopefully end up as a published article) to be one of the projects...so i get to play project manager AND get help on my internship! rock on!! i presented it today and i think i am going to have to turn people away from my group...we can only have about 5 per group and i already have like 3 people that want to work on it! yay! i NEVER have the cool idea/project!! this is exciting!

urban planning....this is an intmidating class for me. i have no background in urban planning. but the class seems like a really cool opportunity for more of that oh so very important hands-on experience...the class is looking to use GIS applications to assess the impacts of coastal development along the milwaukee shoreline. we are going to go down there and do a survey and then present the restults to milwaukee goverment officals. in addition to this we are going to be looking at other aspects of using GIS in relationshion to coastal management issues. so all in all it will be a a very good experience i think, if not a wee bit intimidating.

on top of all of this i am working (or trying to at least) 20 hrs/week at the primate center library on the most ridiculous project EVER! i can't believe this got grant money! but hey, i get paid because of it, so i am not going to really knock it, something about beggers and being choosey...so, basically the primate center and UW library system has digitized like 3000 pictures of....well...primates...and they want them to be accessible and searchable for the public. so a database needs to be created in order to search for said monkey pictures....this is my job...fill in key words and terms for searching. this will also be done for a collection of, ahem, monkey art...paintings of primates...audubon-style. again, needs to be searchable, and i get to make it so...yea!

so busy, busy 15 weeks ahead of me!!

so, that is school...in other news...my personal life has been, well, in a word, crazy...active to say the least and downright confusing more often than not. i am happy to say that, yes, while most of you know that i have indeed met someone new, let me just state it here for the record of things, i really am very excited about this...its been a long time since i haven't felt crazy in my interactions with some girl or had giant red flags (coupled with the nausiating feeling of "oh dear the committee will not approve"). its been good to reflect on past relationships and see those red flags for what they are, to be able to recognize them, as i am tired of running into them blindly and paying the consequences later with heart ache over finding myself wiht a person for whom i am just not a good match with. for once i am excited but not feeling crazy, out of control and i am excited to just let this play out and not force anything. yeah, i know, talking everyday might seem like rushing it, but its been a fabulously easy dialogue, rich and warm and really just fun. i spent so long with people who didnt seem to know how to just talk with me...uncomfortable silences grew in between the fights. its nice to just laugh again.

back in WI and a week of bumdom

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 22:57:19 GMT

yes, i am back in WI, after 3 weeks in PA. 3 overwhelming, long, emotional weeks. *sigh*

ok, no it was not all that bad. i saw friends, had a date with a really cool girl who i will probably never see again, but that is ok, as it was a nice night in philly with good music and even better conversation. and most importantly, i did have some really good, postive bonding time with my mom, and most importantly, i saw her come back to life. she smiled, laughed, talked non-stop and in between the the sadness that has been lining her face for over the past year, i saw glimmers of the happy-go-lucky woman that she has always been. this was good. this was very very good.

of course, now the worry is, how will she be now that i am back to being 900 miles away. this is a constant source of worry and guilt for me. she is asking with more frequency and with more expectation in her voice of when i am going to "be done with school" (oy! as if i will ever "be done") and come back.

i still maintain that she should move here. but this is me being selfish and wanting it all to just fall into neat little pieces that fit me and what i want. of course, i also know first hand, life rarely, if ever, is that neat and clean. puzzle pieces falling together into each.

well...maybe sometimes it does.

i hope.

i still do. for all of it.

so, now break is over. school starts this week and i am sitting here again asking the same questions about if this is the right path for me. this program, these classes, these goals...what the hell are my goals.

for now this seems to be working. maybe i need to sit back and see of these are those mysterious puzzle pieces that can and just might slide into place. i have watched them do so for friends...at least from the outside it seems like that is how it goes...i am not sure. maybe on the inside we are all just guessing, never really sure.

i have a week of sitting on my ass to contemplate all of this...well, that and sitting on my ass watching CNN (i have been out of touch with the world, there's been a lot going on i needed to catch up!), and being a complete internet junkie. of course, i was consumed with guilt over my week of bumdom, but really, i know i needed it. serious decompression time before jumping into the stress and mania that is school.

the occasional moment of something like hometown pride

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 07:29:02 GMT

its rare, but every once in a while, i actually have moments of really liking lancaster. today was one of them.

bloomerite was in town and we spent the better part of the afternoon tooling around town, a trek to the little mennonite dairy from which for the better part of my youth i drank milk that came from a plastic bag rather than a carton or jug...i thought that was like normal, who knew that it was pretty unique to this little dairy! and had the lovely treat of what is officially the "world's best ice cream"! we then went outside to view the cows (they seemed like farily happy cows though i do not think the farm would be considered organic) from which our ice cream came from...and met the adorable babies that were being weened...they attempted to get milk from our fingers, which was kinda gross.

then it was a tour of the stomping grounds of my youth...it was kinda cool sharing these things...i take them for granted...as well as most of lancaster, the fact that my great grandfather laid the brick for the little catholic elementary school where i attended, the fourth (and LAST) generation to attend there. or even more impressive and interesting in a scholarly sense, the fact that lancaster is the oldest inland city in the country...building commenced in the early 1700s not long after philly, and the amazingly diverse architecture of the row homes and very grand mansions and old churches reflects this history and the diverse group of people that lived and built the city over the years. in the end, as much as i seem to often have nothing but negativity regarding this little city, i have to say that its nice to see it once in a while from that of an outsider, for its charm and quaintness and for its amazing history, being an important setting in much of the drama of this country's youth.

that all being said, i am STILL looking forward to leaving...i think the only way i can really appreciate my roots is by stretching myself out as far as possible from them and comeing back once in a while to take a look at them.

new year...new beginnings

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 19:03:46 GMT

2006 is FINALLY over, and while i know that the mess and chaos of the past year (really two years...2005 was when it all started), will not end with the passing of a particular day and the changing of calenders. it would be nice to think that this is an appropriate time to mark with the idea of change and new directions, letting go and starting over...yadayadyadyada.

on that note, i am completely ready to turn the car in a westward direction and head back to the midwest! i so ready to come home!

the whole weekend was spent in the DC area...i did manage to have a good time going to the zoo...BS in wildlife ecology and i had never been to the national zoo...soooo wrong! it was great, though i think i irritated everyone with my waiting for the silly (but ridiculously cute) capyberras to get close enough for a pic (only trinitysite will probably really truly appreciate my efforts here, mom & co. just did not really care about the world's largest rodent...think giant guinea pig!). the pandas were also very cool, though the best was a young female asian elephant who put on a show playing with a tire swing and 50 gallon barrels hanging from a swing set of sorts...it was a brisk cool day and everyone was out playing in it...a good day to go to the zoo!

i also got to see a friend of mine from lancaster who now lives in college park...otherwise i hung out with mom & co....who turned out to be a wee bit conservative than i would have guessed...i discovered this the hard way when i pretty much jammed my foot into my mouth a few times...a wee bit embarrassing when you are the guest and when you are the not very well known daughter of a fairly new friend of your moms...oops!

the couple we stayed with are apparently very security minded folks...she some how got a job for the feds doing something she is not allowed to talk about...and its very irritating when someone seems to enjoy emphasizing that bit...i am really NOT impressed. the thing that was most irritating though was the notion that this woman, whose primary source of news and info prior to her job in what i can only assume to be fairly low-level grunt work in counter-terrorism, was fox news...yes, FOX...she is just ignorant enough that now that she access to info on potential threats and tactics of fringe groups that perhaps are indeed bent on using violence as a means to carry their message into the world, as justification and validation for her opinions on whole groups of people...and it has only made her more paranoid and convinced that protection and security under any means necessary is not only justifiable but the ONLY way for this nation to "be safe". oy! it was a real exercise in self control to pretty much keep my mouth shut...i made a few counter-points here and there, but really, it is generally bad form to argue with your hosts, especially when they are your mother's friends, and not yours.

the most absurd political conversation was on new years eve night...i was asked if i like country, and well, i am not the biggest fan, i said i like more classic country like johnny cash and patsy but i love bluegrass, but as for modern country i guess the only group (if you can really even consider them country) i like is the dixie chicks....oh dear! well, i should have known better based on previous conversations...the dixie chicks are not played in their household any longer because of how disrespectful they are to our president!!

i did manage to stop myself from saying that actually i liked them more AFTER they expressed their displeasure for our current president...figured that would have REALLY been in bad form as a guest!

needless to say, all i could keep thinking was "i wanna go back to madison! ahhhh!"

new traditions? facing reality

Tue, 26 Dec 2006 17:44:09 GMT

last night after an arduous day of carting old, deaf ladies around to various relatives houses, mom and i slumped in the sofa with egg nog (something mom only recently discovered that she liked) and watched a charlie brown christmas together. i am not sure if this will become a new tradition, but for winging it through a tradition-ladened day, this was not too shabby i thought. at least for this year.

i have visions in my head of new traditions involving travel to foreign beaches significantly further south of here...one in particular on the pacific coast of mexico...hmmmm...melaque...now there's the making of a wonderful new holiday tradition...sand, surf, sun...no family!

the family...oy! the drama and dysfunction abounds! i suppose this is all families in some way or another, but when its your own...and they wonder why i like being 900 miles away!

last night after viewing charlie brown, mom and i had a long talk. i am worried to leave here, worried to be 900 miles away. she is just barely keeping it together emotionally and right now, i think i might be the only thing that is keeping her wanting to go...she feels obliged for her mom, but her heart is not into anything anymore. since i have been home, life has returned to her voice, her step, her movements are all with energy, she smiles and its for real.

i know that my mom needs to find reasons beyond me, or within herself, to keep going...but it is easy to say this when its not your mom/parent/loved one. its easy to say and not have to watch and fear that this person, for whom you are the only one they can really rely on, needs you.

the cold reality of just how much has changed has set in. i've been hiding in madison, pretending that life is not all that much different, allowing the illusion to become solid and that the things that always seemed so stable have now disintegrated. in truth, i know that i am needed here, whether i want to be or not, i am. there is no escaping that. it is the reality. the question becomes what do i do about it.

in PA...

Sun, 24 Dec 2006 20:10:56 GMT

after a very long journey under a grey sky and misty rain, i arrived in lancaster at about 2:30 AM. significantly later than i should have, but i was happy to stay in for a tasty brunch with trinitysite and bloomerite. the trip was made more endurable by both harry potter...book 5 on cd is going well, and LOTS of music (thanks in part to trinitysite...a big thank you!) i had a fabulous time in chicago, and have discovered a new obsession, guitar hero...luckily, i will not buy the gaming system in order to support a new habit...however, i think i will have to be making better friends with those who already have it!

while mom was less than pleased with my late arrivaL, especially since i forgot my house key, all has been forgiven...she's manic with happiness over my being here finally and has been singing christmas carols all day. its good to hear happiness in her voice again, its been a long time.

i slept in today, and REALLY slept, for the first time in what feels like weeks. My time here though will probably NOT be all that restful, there are many things to do:

there is the family drama, which will occupy most of my time
there are high school friends and former co-workers to see
ex-s (two in fact) to talk too...one i am very apprehensive about seeing...still lots of BIG emotions there, the other i am happy to see, its been a long time and it will be good to catch up and see her fam.
there are friends from out of state to try to meet up with

now, mom wants to go to the cemetery, to see dad's permanent marker that was laid down last month...i keep waiting to hear him come up the steps or inside from tinkering with something outside. i am apprehensive about tonight, tomorrow. its all so different. other than last year, when i was living here, i hadn't celebrated christmas with my family in years, my memories are childhood ones, with my dad stringing lights and mom making pumpkin pie. the pies are made, there is no tree this year. i miss the scent of pine. and i just keep waiting....for something.

48 hours and its OVER!

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 04:08:22 GMT

the next 48 hours of my life will officially suck.

tonight i must again perform the time-honored, ancient procrastinating student ritual of pulling a paper out of my ass. given the fact that its nearly 10 pm, this time this activity will be particularly painful. the fact that its for the professor who is MY AGE and on whom i have a wee bit of crush just adds to my angst. the good news that the paper is on a subject that i am extremely familiar with, the chesapeake bay watershed, in which i spent most of my residing in and have a great personal/academic interest of mine...so, in theory, i should be able to pull this one out of my ass with relative ease.

unfortunately, i am doing so right on the heels of completing one of the most challenging projects of my academic career...but again, the brighter side of this...the map is done!! thank all the gods!

after some how making this paper materialize, i then need to study for my last exam, cartography, which i am now taking thursday now...apparently a few other people had also begged for a different exam time and so, thursday it is! while i am not totally sure i will be ready for it thursday, i am too the point that really i just want to be done. and thursday with less time to prepare is still infinitely better than friday at FIVE in the evening! i will now be able to sleep friday morning with out worries over getting up to study, i can run errands, clean and pack, before hitting the road for destinations south and east, namely chicago and lancaster.

its been perhaps the most difficult semester in my life. and while i am less than thrilled with the notion of facing the family drama when i get to PA, i am oh so very glad that this chapter of my life is coming to a close...i think with a resounding *THUD*